Happy new Year

Its the start of a new year........ and I wanted to wish all a happy new year.........

There a re things in my heart that I wanted to say or yearned but I can't seem to be able to voice it out..... Tere have been things that I done in the year 2007 that I wished I had not done or am not proud of. But Life is a learning process so maybe in the year 2008, I would not make the same stupid mistakes.........

But funny thing is ...its a new year where one celebrates new things but I feel old and weary... exhausted half the time........

I know that every girl dreams of a fantasy where she falls in love with her dream guy and she sweeps her off her feet.........damn......... I am still waiting for that fantasy to come true for me.... hahahaha...fat chance thats ever gonna happen.


Anyway heres to a start of a fruitful year for all of us .... I hope.... May god protect us all..........

I Feel Lost...............

All Hallows Eve.............

Yesterday was All Hallows Eve.........the day of celebrating the ancient rites of old Magic..... After reading much on it... it makes ponder if I should have written down all the ancient knowledge that had been passed down by my ancestors. I know that to the mind of the modern man...it is all just superstitious. But for someone as myself whom had seen more than a fair share of the unknown , I became a firm believer that God besides creating this Earth HE also created other realms and beings besides Human beings...... Just as in the Koran.

But that is all beside the point of this entry. I am Lost. I feel as though my body is here in reality but my mind is somewhere else. My mind is lost in a sea of thoughts. The truth is although I went through many courses for self reflecting, I know my target in Life and I also my strength and weaknesses.

But i find that all this while, I live my Life to serve others be it my work or my daily Life.. I know that the personal traits of a Virgoan is to serve others....... But then I suddenly realised that I am Tired....... I exhausted my Life trying to do Good and helping other people besides myself. No wonder there is this constant yearning for me to find "Inner Peace ", to help myself from losing my mind. I mean I had yet to have some " ME Time", to recharge my inner body and soul.

Maybe It high Time I recharge my mind coz as a designer , if the Mind is weary, all creativity is lost. And I know that I have to constantly be on my toes especially in my Field of work... can't afford to be mindful.............

Now all I have to do is find out how can I find the time to do some soul searching .........

No1 Costume Costume Pte LTD III

The Saga Continues..........

Well I have officially went through a full year cycle here at No1 Costume Costume as it's Costume Designer. I have already went through the love and the pain being with them all this while. I am more confused, more than ever. I wished the best for the company.... but lately I am disappointed. I wished that promises were not just empty promises..... Maybe its just bad timing for me to bring up these issues. There is so much that I wanted to do but I could not. So many designs that I came up with that still sleeps in my files, untouched. So many dreams that I wanted to make into a reality but I could not as I did not have sufficient resources or authority to do so........... I know the management is busy so I decided to close an eye and wait patiently.

There so many collections of designs that I wanted to do up....especially the Star Wars Collection. From this Halloween season, after answering so many phonecalls, I received at least 10 minimum , of phonecalls asking about our Star wars Collection. I was a bit disappointed to reply to them that we only have a few characters and the rest are Jedi Robes. There is so much research that I did on Star Wars Characters be it in the movies , books or comics. It would be so interesting to come up with all the various characters like the Sith warriors. Their costumes are so intricate and interesting. Even the Jedis Have their own individuality in their costume. But my biggest dream is to create the Royal Wardrobe for Amidala. Since I can't do an exact replica, I would do a "similar looking" costume so that they cannot sue us over copyright issues.

The Collection I did for HSBC dinner and dance 2007 was quite an achievement but I am still not happy with it as the detailing was not intricate enough. After that "Secret Meeting"I am more determine than ever to show that as a Designer I can do theatrical costume of that are equivalent to those of the Phantom of the Opera. I have done such intricate costumes before for when I was freelancing, I know I can do it again........... I know I have the capability .. Its just that sometime Time is an issue and since not every client can afford to pay for such intricate costumes I forsee it will be a while before I can do it again..........

Aidilfitri .... a Cause for Celebration....?

First of all I would like to wish all my friends and family a Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri , may the year ahead be full of merry and forgiveness....

I don't know why but this year seems unlike those years before. The celebration was not as festive. I could not feel the excitement of it even on the day itself. But of course I am thankful for everyone that celebrated it with me... especially when I went to visit my friends all over the island.

I have not visit much of my family members. There's not many left around. Most have already return to the calling of God. This year, my mom became the eldest daughter for the family as all the other elder sisters had passed away. I know that Mom is sad and not in the celebrating mood as she realised that most of them are gone.She has 2 elder brother and 4 younger siblings left. I totally understand her feelings of lost as I felt it too. I sometimes feel that despite being surrounded by friends and family I felt totally alone. Guarding the secrets of my life and my heart from my family. My relatives kept asking me when I would get married and settle down, hahahaha I just kept on making excuses of financial issues.

But sometimes I do wished I could get married and settle down and have children of my own.....

By the way .... my cousin's daughter just got married and has a child at the age of 17. I am officially a grandfather!!!

there is so much I wanted to say or let out but I can't. Wished I could run from all of this sometimes.

Yesterday I went to visit my colleagues open house. Her mother was "gifted " as in she could see certain things like characters and stuff of someone. She told my parents that my brother is "soft" and a loving person like water and air while I am a "hard" person , like the rocks of the earth and hot headed sometimes like Fire. I was a bit surprised , not shock though. She read my character correctly. My brother and me are like Yin and Yang, opposites that comes together perfectly in balance.

Anyway enough about that... I don't know why but I kept thinking back to memories of the past of those whom had moved on to the other side. Perhaps its the magic of Aidilfitri that keep me tied to them somehow. I did a lot of bad things this year and I somehow regret most of them. But the history is what makes our future.

To all my sisters...

I would like to ask for forgiveness from you all,

from the tip of my head to my toes

I am sorry if I had ever offended any of you.

I loved you all like my own family members,

Should my words had been hurtful I truly regret it.

Words cannot describe how I felt for you all

I love you all my dears...........

May you forgive me for all my wrongdoings.....

Hugs

Razy

No1 Costume Costume Pt II

Life as a designer seems beautiful to people.... but hey as they said... experience is the cure to dreams. I should know better... since I started working here my High blood Pressure shot off the roof!!! hahahahahahaha......... My GP doctor was so shocked caused its has been a while since my last visit to see him. I myself was shocked! But I already knew that physically my health is deteriating. Not in the best of health now.......I need a long break! Can't wait for Raya since I would be driving with my family to Melaka and KL for a short tip of 4 days. Better than nothing.

Maybe either in december or january I might planned to got to Bintan again to rest my mind. So far I am less depressed lately. I been trying to make new frens..... etc ..etc........

I been hoping that things would get better working at No1 Costume, but I can't say it is. I mean there are many things I think I deserve that I did not get.....and as the days go by the dissappointments piled up and I am no longer sure what to do with my presence here. Not sure if staying is the best option right now....... I know that the company is small but it is growing reapidly.... just not sure if it is capable to expand further with all the mishaps the high fluctuation of manpower turnover and the constance reshuffling of manpower makes its very disorganized. Perhaps I am being too perfectionist that I can see too many flaws . Its not that the company is not good...it is good. It just need fine tuning to ensure the organization is well structured and not as it is now. If we had hired proper people and the company pays them well accordingly. We would not have a high manpower turnover.

Maybe what they need a very good consultant for organization structure....... to advise them on how an international company should run to achieve a higher level of profitability and a wonderful working environment.

Right now the tension in the company is so thick that one would feel stuffy to be in it. People are not communication well despite the wonderful courses the company is indulging in. Not sure how I can help to ease all this problems since I have a whole load of unsettled issues with them....

I may not be well verse in manpower laws in singapore ...that is why I hire a lawyer to represent my family... to advise us on matters that are beyond our understanding and knowledge.

There are things that I want to say but I can't if I want to keep my Job..... so this site here is my sanctuary ...where I can spill my guts out........... :)

Although I am not sure anymore that staying longer would be a wise choice though ....... despite all the plans or promised thart they claimed to have for me......... hope they are not mere empty promises.......

Happy Birthday To me..........

In a few minutes, the day of my birth would be over. It started out sad but ended as how I hoped it to be. I am surrounded by the people whom are the most important to me . My parents, my brother and my aunt who is like my second mom. I got some presents from her. Nothing big or expansive but its the thought that counts caused she called me up just to wished me a happy birthday while I was in the office. Joe sent me a birthday wish via email which I read in the morning. My brother called me just now in the evening after he got back home from the office in KL. I know my friends all are busy with their work...its ok. I forgot their birthday too...Karma right? Well Hope that my wishes comes true............. but of course I have to work hard for it...........

Hugs and Kisses for All of You..............

Reality Check.......

I suddenly realised how fast time flew and it seems like just yesterday I started my job at No1 Costume Costume . Now as I sat in front of my Computer at home and see the hours flew by I realised that TIMe itself is counting down to my next anniversary of birth. Nice way of putting it, isn't it? I am suddenly in a daze, realising that I will be 26 tomorrow!

I have spent a wonderful time yesterday. Never had I experienced loving someone so powerfully. Whom I meant is not a guy.......its a child...... my niece.She is the light of my life in its darkest hour.Before, I thought that I would not love her like my own child. I was wrong. As she grew older she became more interactive with me and suddenly all my pain and depressed moments was brushed aside by her smile and laughter, even if its just for that one moment.......... I was Happy!! I was running around and playing ball with her , all this while I was smiling and laughing genuinely , not a smile of Front that I placed around myself as I had done always.

Maybe her presence is a gift from God to lift me from my sorrow and pain that I was in for the past few weeks. Feelings that was so dark that I cannot share with anyone but myself and my personal written journal.........

I had not been happy for a long while and I do not foreseen beautiful days ahead. But perhaps the cure to my heart is not the loving touch of a guy( of course that would be nice) but is the loving touch of a child holding your hand knowing that that kind of is pure and genuine.

Hope that one day maybe I can adopt a child of my own or perhaps through surrogacy.

There is so much in my heart that I wanted to say or confide to someone but I can't. Pains that had been rooted in my heart for a very long time. There is no one out there who can help me. The only person who can help me is Myself!! I must find my own inner peace and forgive myself. That is the path I must take right now. Sounds dramatic doesn't it? hahahaha.

I am a little happier today........May the days ahead be greater and may my heart soars ..........